Today, I Chose...

Log off from work, call Kori and text Chris...

Start dinner and get Jelly from the bus and check Facebook while he walks up the street...

Clean the kitchen and have the "how was school" conversation over some Capri Sun and Oreo's...

Sneak to watch a YouTube video while checking Jelly's book bag and waiting for Mums to burst through the door singing the song she learned today at school...

*Dammit, I forgot the rice was on*

Run to the kitchen to check the rice. Whew... It's not burnt...

Mums is home swinging all 7, 000 of her clear beads and singing-pausing in between verses to tell me how hungry she is (a hint to slide her some Oreo's and a Capri Sun) and that she needs Benadryl because she's "skitchy". Jayson waves and turns around and heads to Subway...

Jelly and Mums are fighting over who's eating the left over mashed potatoes versus the almost burnt rice...

Bathe and feed the picky kids... Damn, it's only 7? *rolls eyes*

Grab wine and laptop (so I can watch House) to head to the bathroom to secure some me time while ordering the kids to go to my room, turn on The Wiz and stay there...

*Damn, damn, damn! I forgot the stopper on the tub is broken!!!!*

Go to the kitchen and grab a cup to put over the drain so I can draw a much needed bath<--- something I learned years ago when I lived in Baltimore and the stopper was always broken. (See below)


Run hot water, turn on House, pour Chardonnay... Breathe... Listen for kids doing backflips off of my bed. Choose to let them flip in peace... Step into the tub and not kick over the cup that's doubling as a stopper... Breathe... Sip... Reflect...

~~~~~~~~

This is the first time in, I can't remember when, that I have taken a bath. I shower everyday-but having time for an actual bath has become but a memory. We moms don't always have the luxury of bathing, let alone, being in the bathroom without hearing the frantic cry of a child who has lost their favorite blue crayon and finding it cannot wait until shower time is over. I started to relax... Between the wine and the hot water (and being border line exhausted), I suppose that was pretty easy to do at this point. It seemed like everything that had bothered me leading up to this point, suddenly didn't matter.

I looked down at the cup in the bottom of the tub and shook my head in a little irritation. But then I thought about this time last year and the cup suddenly became something that I was happy to have as a problem. You see, this time last year I was sleeping on my parent's living room floor. So being in a tub that's in a place that I can call MY home, even though it didn't work properly, was something to be thankful for. I was super tired and feeling drained from the complications I was having from Crohn's this week and I thought about the times I landed in the hospital over the past 2 years and the prognosis wasn't good. So, being tired was something to be thankful for because I could be gone.

I was beating myself up for falling off of the fitness wagon and I started to feel unattractive and almost worried that people would notice and mention it. I started thinking about how closed off and shut down I can be and it irked me because I wanted so badly to know why I am the way I am. But I looked at myself in the reflection of the bath water and I told myself how much I liked me. I like me. I'm not perfect, but my imperfections are what makes me different and that's okay. I don't wear make up everyday... I don't desire to comb my hair everyday... I like housedresses... My toenail polish is chipping... My boobs sag... I have stretch marks... I don't like to talk about feelings and express too much but I LOVE love... I'm a geek... I say bad words that I tell my kids not to repeat and they love me with the purest love anyway... I have big feet... And you know what? That's who I am. And I'm okay...

Today I chose...

I chose to relax for a change. I chose to not worry about my doctor's appointments. I chose to not be upset about the rice. I chose to not be worried what anyone would think if they saw me without perfect hair and make up...

I chose to be okay...